As a secret agent of the United States it is my job to evaluate all possible threats to see if they present a clear and present danger to our national security. I am involved in many operations but this operation was different. It had influence over many Americans. I had to proceed with utmost caution.
I split my operation into three different categories.
1. Fact Finding
2. Surveillance
3. Scientific Tests of Evidence
I named this top secret mission Krispy Kreme Alert!
#1 Fact finding:
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts was started July 13, 1937 by a man named Vernon Rudolph. He bought his secret recipe from a French chef. He initially began his business to supply doughnuts to local grocery stores. As the smell of fresh doughnuts wafted through the area people began knocking on the factory door wanting to buy fresh doughnuts. Vernon cut a window in the side of the factory and people began to buy doughnuts like crazy. From there Vernon decided to start stores in the Southern states to sell doughnuts right to the public.
After Vernon’s death in 1973 the chain was sold to Beatrice (A Chicago conglomerate). That did not work out as well, as Beatrice was more concerned with selling the doughnuts to supermarkets than it was with the profit of having retail stores. They changed the logo and even changed the doughnut formula attempting to make doughnuts for less cost.
8 years later Krispy Kremes was bought by the McAleer family. They immediately reverted back to the original logo and the original dough mixture. After that they decided to try different ideas to help boost profit. One thing they started to do was let people know when the doughnuts were fresh and hot. Originally if a certain window shade in their window was open the doughnuts were hot. This has since graduated to a neon sign. Krispy Kreme is now run by two partners, Scott Livengood and Mack McAleer. Under their direction the chain has grown to what it is today.
There was one thing I found that I thought was rather suspicious. The Krispy Kreme partners are heavily involved in charity and the chain goes out of its way to help with fund raisers and the like. Terrorists, helping people? No way, this has to be a mistake!
#2 Surveillance:
During my 24 hour stake out of the new Krispy Kreme store I noticed something very strange. Who in their right mind would line up in the cold at 11:00pm to buy doughnuts? No, this had to be a cover for something more devious. I then turned my attention to the inside of the store. They have a very interesting setup. First the doughnut mix is combined with liquid. (The doughnut mix is shipped in bags labeled "Secret Doughnut Mix") Then after being kneaded it is put in a big machine that plops out perfectly shaped doughnuts onto trays. The trays are then rotated through the proofer which is filled with warm, moist air until the doughnuts are raised to perfection. They then slide into the river of 365 degree oil where they cook for 115 seconds. They come up out of the river to drip excess oil off before they go under the water fall of doughnut frosting and around the corner to be packaged. But I saw something very strange! Not only were they packaging the doughnuts. They were handing them out! Fresh, Hot doughnuts. For free!! If this was a cover for some evil plot, it was a good one!
#3 Scientific Tests:
This phase was the most dangerous of all. I took out the evidence (one original glazed doughnut) and surveyed it carefully. I saw no visible bacteria. After lightly squeezing it I concluded that there were no hidden razor blades. I then moved on to the most important test of all. I raised the doughnut to my lips and took a small bite.
Could something this good be a threat to National Security? No way!
In conclusion, the only threat that Krispy Kreme Doughnuts poses to the American public is a loss of zeros in the bank account and an addition of zeros on the bathroom scale.
And how do I know this? Elementary my dear bloggers!